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Moron Money (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
Moron Money (May 10, 2018) - Synopsis Mr.Krabs decides to fake his death so he can earn himself more money “beyond the grave.” Characters Mr.Krabs Spongebob Squarepants Pearl Krabs Squidward Tentacles Old Man Jenkins Old Man Jenkins’ Father (corpse/flashback) Norton (mailman) Sandy Cheeks Mrs.Puff Larry The Lobster Fred Bubble Bass Mermaid Man Barnacle Boy Don The Whale Howard Blandy Patrick Star Dr. Gill Gilliam Mr.Krabs’ family Grandpa Redbeard Betsy Krabs Mr.Krabs’ nephews Mutton Chop Lock Jaw Jones Torpedo Belly Iron Eye Nat Peterson Miss Shell Monroe Timmy Tom The Chocolate Guy Various Bikini Bottomites TV Crew Priest King Neptune (cameo) Sheldon J. Plankton Karen Plankton The Story The story begins with a shot of the EMERGENCY! Hospital. Mr.Krabs walks out of the establishment with a cast on his right foot forcing him to also use crutches. He is walking to work. MR.KRABS: How crazy was I last night during my usual drive?! A flashback is shown of Mr.Krabs on a peaceful night drive. He then spots a mountain of golden ingots, which means… MR.KRABS: MONEY!!! Mr.Krabs swerves over to the mountain, unknowingly driving dead ahead into a big boulder. Back to the present. Mr.Krabs arrives at the front doors of the Krusty Krab. Before he could enter, he hears sobbing. Mr.Krabs looks in the window to see Spongebob & his daughter Pearl holding boquets of roses in front of his picture from his old high school prom. MR.KRABS: Egh! Of all pictures! Spongebob places the flowers on the picture. He then breaks down into tears. SPONGEBOB(crying): MR.KRABS!!!! PEARL: WE’LL MISS YOU SO MUCH DADDY! And I get no inheritance?!! Mr.Krabs is shocked that his daughter & frycook think he is dead. MR.KRABS: What? Why do they think I died in that crash?! Spongebob holds the broken pieces of Mr.Krabs’ boat while Pearl holds onto one of his sailor tattoos that was ripped off in the impact. MR.KRABS: Oh I see. Mr.Krabs then hears an explosion out back. Despite his injuries, he rushes over to see that Squidward had blown up his old desk and watches it burn while sipping coffee. MR.KRABS: Squidward! Squidward, who never really believed Mr.Krabs was dead, unenthusiastically greets him. SQUIDWARD: Well well well, look who's back from the dead. Squidward takes another coffee sip. MR.KRABS: You can’t return from something you haven’t been to yet! SQUIDWARD: Whatever MR.KRABS: Never mind about me desk,.. why does the boy, me Pearlie & who knows what else think I gone to the Great Beyond?! SQUIDWARD: That boat crash you were in fractured several of your bones. And since you’re old, you had almost no pulse. Also Plankton decided to broadcast your death worldwide. MR.KRABS: That little bottomfeeder! And I am semi old! Well, can you tell the others that I am still very much alive! SQUIDWARD: I could. MR.KRABS: Splendid! SQUIDWARD: But I won’t. Squidward walks off to do whatever he pleases. MR.KRABS: Jerk! Mr.Krabs leans by the dumpster to collect his thoughts. Before he could consider revealing himself to Spongebob & Pearl, he then thinks of something. Mr.Krabs remembers the death of Bikini Bottom's oldest lived citizen, the father of Old Man Jenkins, dead at 109, back in 1993. OLD MAN JENKINS: I’ll miss you Papa! And since I’m 80, I’m next in line! All I know is pain! Old Man Jenkins then faints. A younger Mr.Krabs remembered attending this funeral with the rest of the town. He watched as Father Jenkins’ corpse got a sum of $880,000 for his death since he used to be a famous movie actor. Mr.Krabs then realizes that he is famous due to the Krabby Patty. He forms a grin on his face and rubs his claw greedily. MR.KRABS: Hehehehe! The scene cuts to Norton, a mailman, inspecting his pocketbook for money. When he goes to take a bathroom break, Mr.Krabs sneaks up, snatches the pocketbook money, and puts a fake obituary in the mailbox to be sent directly to Spongebob. MR.KRABS: Oo! I am so dead! Literally! Aghghghgh! Mr.Krabs hides somewhere. Spongebob finishes cooking up some Krabby Patties, but not as enthusiastically as he usually does. He solemnly rings the bell. SPONGEBOB: Order up Squidward. SQUIDWARD (lying) : You know since our boss is dead…. excuse me, Mr.Krabs is dead! That means nobody is in charge! So I declare a dayoff! See ya sucker! Squidward runs out of the Krusty Krab to celebrate. SPONGEBOB(sniffling): I knew this news was too much for him! Spongebob cries for a bit before getting it together. Norton then walks in. NORTON: Mail for Mr.Squarepants. Spongebob takes the mail and reads this: SPONGEBOB: “R.I.P Eugene H. Krabs (1942-2018). May I get $1,000,000 for my funeral? And for me darling daughter to have none of it? I’ll appreciate it from beyond the grave!” Spongebob sniffles before breaking down in major tears once more. Sandy, Pearl, Mrs.Puff & Larry The Lobster finish loading all of Mr.Krabs’ belongings into a storage truck. Mrs.Puff is in all black like most widows are, married or not. SANDY: I can’t believe Mr.Krabs is gone. MRS.PUFF(tearing up): My second lover gone! Oh how it all woes me! PEARL: Did not even think of leaving his inheritance to any of us! How sickening! MRS.PUFF: Pearl! SANDY: Don’t be so greedy & disrespectful! Your father would be rolling around in his grave at the statement. Mr.Krabs hides behind a rock nearby. MR.KRABS: That actually would be true. Pearl sits down. PEARL (sarcastically): Yeah he was so generous! LARRY: What a guy. Larry also gets weepy having liked Mr.Krabs as a friend. He blows his runny nose with tissue paper. LARRY: What a guy! Mr.Krabs finishes writing a note and sends it off when his mourners are not looking. When it lands and he hides, Sandy notices. SANDY: What are the odds? This is Mr.Krabs’ will! He states that he wants $2,000,000 at his funeral? Ummmm MRS.PUFF: 2 million it is! Our relationship was so much more and he deserves it! PEARL: Yeah I guess. LARRY(crying): Then please do it for him! SANDY: That I will…. That I will… Old Man Jenkins & Fred finish cleaning out Mr.Krabs’ office. Fred trips over the cheapskate's old fashioned stereo system. FRED: My leg! Bubble Bass finishes eating all of the leftover krabby patties “in Mr.Krabs’ memory.” Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy imprison the broken pieces of boat thinking that they were villainous enough to kill their friend. Don The Whale cries after reading one of Mr.Krabs’ Naval love letters. Howard Blandy decides to pay for the funeral service, so as long as he gets exactly the same payment back. Spongebob eats a Krabby Patty with Patrick while reflecting on what has happened. PATRICK: I’m sorry that Mr.Krabs died……. but hey! We can get free food now! SPONGEBOB: PATRICK! PATRICK: Sorry Mr.Krabs hides under the floorboards and listens into their conversation. SPONGEBOB: One day, my boss was alive & well! As greedy & loving as ever! And now he is a ghost! Unbelievable! Spongebob dumps his head into a bowl of bran flakes he also had with him. PATRICK: I got a ghost box. SPONGEBOB: Not the time Pat….. not the time. Mr.Krabs finishes writing another scam note. He slips it up through a crevasse. SPONGEBOB: Hey, what is that piece of paper? Patrick picks it up and puts on his reading glasses. He has trouble. PATRICK: I can’t understand this Irish, Spongebob. Spongebob reads the note instead. SPONGEBOB: Mr.Krabs wanted 3 million dollars at his funeral. I know that it may seem awful to bring money to the grave but…… HE WAS SUCH A GENTLEMAN! OH HIS WISH IS WITH ME! PATRICK: But didn’t he want 1 million? The scene jumps to the Bikini Bottom Funeral Parlor. Mrs.Puff walks in first as the widower while being escorted by Sandy & Pearl. Doctor Gill Gilliam, the only medical professional who is not aware that Mr.Krabs is still with us, then enters since he was at the “death scene.” Mr.Krabs’ family including Grandpa Redbeard, his mother Betsy Krabs & his triplet nephews arrive and get front row seating. The Navy Buddies also get special front row seating. They do a formal salute for their comrade. Various Bikini Bottomites including Old Man Jenkins, Larry, Bubble Bass, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, Don The Whale, Howard Blandy, Nat Peterson, Miss Shell, Monroe Timmy & Tom The Chocolate Guy are also in attendance. Mr.Krabs snuck into his casket during its transportation. He has a final note wanting $4 million now. MR.KRABS: Why didn’t I think of this years ago! Aghghghgh! Spongebob, Patrick & Squidward are the final three to arrive. Spongebob has a box of tissues in case if he blows. Patrick decides to get close to Squidward. SQUIDWARD: Don’t touch me! PATRICK: But funerals creep me out! Dead bodies scare me! SQUIDWARD: But they’re dead! PATRICK: I know! SQUIDWARD: Ugh, why do I even bother. A TV crew gets the cameras rolling since Mrs.Puff wanted her lover's funeral to be televised. A priest walks up in front of Mr.Krabs’ casket. PRIEST: Friends, family, brothers from different mothers. Patrick smiles at Squidward who doesn’t acknowledge him. PRIEST: We are belovedly gathered here to say farewell and pay our respects to Mr. Eugene Harold Krabs. Mrs.Puff breaks down in tears, and so does Spongebob. PRIEST: He was a man of greed, not a good role model, even stole children's lollipops for profit. All the kids in attendance including their mothers nod in agreement. PRIEST: But he was still a man, and he still qualified enough for forgiveness and peace. May our great King Neptune show him mercy. King Neptune is also in attendance. NEPTUNE: I’ll think about it. Mr.Krabs continues to listen in to the funeral. MR.KRABS: Money here I come! PRIEST: Our first eulogy, Mrs.Puff. The audience claps. MRS.PUFF: Eugene, you were quite a man, a man who loved my wacky persona and outlandish ways of thinking. MR.KRABS(quietly): Yeah..yeah..yeah…. good Neptune, its just a funeral! MRS.PUFF: And while you may no longer physically be with us, you will always be physical to me! Mrs.Puff begins crying again and is escorted off the stage. PRIEST: Our next eulogy, Squidward Tentacles. The audience claps again. SQUIDWARD: Mr.Krabs, where do I start, we’ll lets see, you refused to pay me! You took all of my hard earned cash! Forced me to pay for my lesiure pleasures! 24 hours pass. SQUIDWARD: And you torched my house so you could look for diamonds! When you had plenty! PRIEST: Thank you Mr.Tentacles now.. SQUIDWARD: But I got 97 more complaints. PRIEST: You have run out of divine time. You are now excused. Squidward is escorted off the stage much to his annoyance while the audiemce cheers glad that his long speech is finally over. PRIEST: And for our final eulogy Spongebob Squarepants. The audience claps once more. Mr.Krabs prepares to listen. MR.KRABS(quietly): Okay boyo, make it quick! Daddy needs his greenbacks! SPONGEBOB: Thank you thank you, I am here today not to complain, not to love, not to wonder, not even to correct Patrick's stupid moments. Patrick has a cookie jar stuck in his mouth. PATRICK(muffled): Wait really? SPONGEBOB: I am here today to cherish & celebrate the life of our dear Mr.Krabs. MR.KRABS: Ug give me a break. SPONGEBOB: He was a great boss! Excellent marxman too! MR.KRABS: I was? SPONGEBOB: He may have been controversial, but haven’t we all? The audience murmers in mutual agreement. SPONGEBOB: He taught us that money may have important value, perhaps diamonds & emeralds as well. MR.KRABS: Of course! Money is everything! SPONGEBOB: But one thing he taught us most of all!...... Loyalty Mr.Krabs gets out of his greedy dream and pauses. SPONGEBOB: Loyal to the end, stung like a bee, scared Squidward enough to make him pee. SQUIDWARD: Hey! SPONGEBOB: You were one true hero Mr.Krabs! Good luck wherever you may now be. Mr.Krabs reflects on what Spongebob has just said. He thinks about the possibility of getting millions. But even he can’t let money be top priority here. MR.KRABS: WAIT!!!!! Mr.Krabs bursts out of the casket and reveals he is still alive. MR.KRABS: Mr.Krabs is back from the dead! SPONGEBOB: MR.KRABS!!! Mrs.Puff & several others faint at the shock. PATRICK: I knew it! SQUIDWARD: Actually I did. PRIEST: What sorcery is this?! SANDY: What is going on?! Plankton is then shown lounging on his couch in the Chum Bucket having watched the funeral via Karen. He spits out popcorn in shock. PLANKTON: Yes! Somebody explain this! I thought Cheapy was dead! This better not be a ghost! Mr.Krabs personally walks up to Spongebob. MR.KRABS: Lad….. those notes about money ye have been getting all day….. were profiters. The audience gasps in shock. SPONGEBOB: But why! Why did you make us think you died?! MR.KRABS: I didn’t want to. I only faked me passing once I thought I could profit off of it. I now realize that I have been wrong to do so. SANDY: That was a very low thing for you to do Krabs! PEARL: Yeah! You didn’t leave me inheritance! Mrs.Puff heard his confession despite being out cold. She wakes up & slaps Mr.Krabs across the face with her purse. MRS.PUFF: We are so over! Mrs.Puff storms out of the parlor in a fit of rage. Pearl & Sandy follow. Patrick then gets up. PATRICK: I’m going too! I need to eat donuts! Patrick pulls up his trunks and marches out of the parlor in a confident air. The people that stayed back groan in disgust at Patrick's hairy legs. Squidward almost vomits. SPONGEBOB: Mr.Krabs………. I can’t believe you tried to make money off of our emotions. MR.KRABS: I’m sorry lad….. you all do not have to forgive me at all. I can live with this guilt, and... Plankton then enters the parlor to figure this out. PLANKTON: Hello Krabs! MR.KRABS: Plankton! MERMAID MAN: Mermaid Man! Barnacle Boy gives his mentor an asprin to quiet down for a couple of seconds. MR.KRABS: Even If I really died! You would be the first on the non invited list! PLANKTON: Oh woe is me! May I remind you the entire town hates you for your fake out! Mr.Krabs looks to see the audience staring at him angrily. Except for Squidward since he already knew. SQUIDWARD: I’m going home now. Squid walks out. Mr.Krabs then looks at Spongebob who edges away from him. Krabs bows his head in shame. PLANKTON: With all the sins you did in life! How would my crimes compare to yours?! MR.KRABS: You’re right. PLANKTON: You made money while people cried! Including myself! MR.KRABS: You’re right about the people part. PLANKTON: And now I can’t make any business since you’re still alive! The audience gasps in shock. Mr.Krabs raises his head in curiosity. Spongebob shockedly looks at Plankton. PLANKTON: Oh….. poop. NAT: You planned to profit off of somebody's death even if he is a dirtbag?! MERMAID MAN: EVILLLLLL!!! BUBBLE BASS: Villain! BETSY: Outrageous! The audience surrounds Plankton, who poops out a Hershey's kisses chocolate in fear. PLANKTON: Karen…… help. Karen instead chooses to lay back under the sun outside the Chum Bucket. KAREN(overhearing on her Plankton voice monitor): All yours honey. Plankton looks at the angry people, screams, and hightails it while they give chase. Instead of laughing, Mr.Krabs chooses to remain quiet. Only he & Spongebob remain in the parlor. MR.KRABS: Its fine if ye don’t forgive me boy. I’m doing my duty. Mr.Krabs prepares to go and hide in his house for the rest of his life. SPONGEBOB: Wait! MR.KRABS: What? Spongebob extends his hand. SPONGEBOB: While you were a real creep to do something like that….. we can all agree that each of us has something bad up our sleeve…… so….. I forgive you. Mr.Krabs, after some pondering, walks up, and hugs Spongebob instead of shaking his hand. Spongebob returns the favor. After the embrace finishes, Spongebob closes his statement with a fourth wall break. SPONGEBOB: And since this is a cartoon, continuity doesn’t exist! MR.KRABS(confused): I…. guess. The angry mob finish crushing Plankton to a pulp and eventually disperse. Through more cartoon illogic, Plankton continues Spongebob's statement. PLANKTON(muffled): Then why do I always fail? Category:SquidwardTentacles35